Woman asks her biological son to stop calling her "mom" causing rift and diving online readers: 'It feels disrespectful...'

Author image for Brad Dickson
Brad Dickson • Managing Editor
Aug 18, 2024 1:00 PM EDT

We all like to think of our lives as being cut into neat little shapes with clearly defined outlines and borders. The reality of that couldn't be any further from the truth, and those who insist the most fervently that there is nothing amiss in their life are either hiding something or in complete denial.

So, when you read something along the lines of "mother rejects their child," you probably make a judgment call before even knowing the rest of the context, coming in guns blazing and ready to condemn the mother for an unforgivable action. But context is everything, and it stands to the fact that the context here is everything but neat and tidy within the lines we'd like to fit it into. 

That's what readers found when they read this post shared to this online community by a woman who was confused and wondering whether or not she was in the wrong for telling her biological son not to refer to her as his mother, worried that his adoptive mother may be upset by the sentiment. 

See her account of events below as she originally shared them with this online community where users ask for the judgment of readers.

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  • 01
    Cheezburger Image 10390919936
    via Jenna Norman
  • 02
    AITA For telling my biological son to stop calling me "Mom"?
    via u/Regular_Chocolate_46
  • 03
    So long story short: when I (40F) was a teenager I had a baby and gave him up for adoption. I did this through and agency and one of the stipulations of the contract required the adoptive parents to provide my contact information to him after he was an adult so that if he ever wanted to contact me, he could.
    via u/Regular_Chocolate_46
  • 04
    Sure enough, 18 years later I get a letter in the mail and he wants to meet. I said yes and his Mom flew with him to meet me in my state. We had a great visit and it was amazing getting to know the great young man he grew up to be. We have kept in contact over the last couple years, I let him meet my kids and let him form a brotherly bond with them.
    via u/Regular_Chocolate_46
  • 05
    Then he started calling me Mom... it feels weird to me for him to call me that and it feels disrespectful to his Mom who I think is amazing to be so forthcoming and supporting of him having a relationship with me and my family. I really didn't want to hurt him, but I explained my feelings to him about a week ago and I haven't heard from him since. While it is common for us to go for long periods of time without talking, I have a feeling that this particular bout of silence is due to him being up
    via u/Regular_Chocolate_46
  • 06
    EDIT 2: (clearly I am an inexperienced poster) it is worth mentioning that we met after he turned 18. He is going to be 23 next month. I guess I thought it would be assumed that he was in his 20's since I am 40 and birthed him as a teen.
    via u/Regular_Chocolate_46
  • 07
    EDIT: Okay so I made this post just before bed last night and did NOT expect it to have so many comments by this morning. To clarify a couple of things I have seen in the comments: 1. I gave him up at birth. He has never known me to be his mother and his adoptive Mom is his only Mom. 2. Giving him up was the single hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life. So to the people who say I rejected him, you have no idea what you're talking about.
    via u/Regular_Chocolate_46
  • 08
    3. I went through an agency and specifically chose his parents from stacks and stacks of files. He has had a wonderful life full of so many more opportunities than my teenage self could have ever dreamed of giving him. 4. I didn't just blurt out "Don't call me mom" or "I am not your mom". We had a conversation about it where I told him I was uncomfortable with it and he seemed understanding about it and where I was coming from.
    via u/Regular_Chocolate_46
  • 09
    5. He harbors ZERO feelings of abandonment or rejection. His parents are wonderful parents and he had a great life. His desire to meet me did not come from a "why did you abandon me" place. He was curious about me and wondered how much of his personality is nature vs nurture. (Spoiler alert, a LOT of his personality is nature). As an only child though, he was very excited to meet his brothers.
    via u/Regular_Chocolate_46
  • 10
    6. I don't think he wanted to call me Mom because he felt some mother-son connection between us. He said that he felt like I deserve a title that is more than just "lady I got DNA from" especially around his brothers. I told him it is fine just to call me by my first name. 7. His bio father died of a drug overdose some years ago. And NO, I did not give him up because I was on drugs. I have never even smoked pot in my life.
    via u/Regular_Chocolate_46
  • 11
    OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the as I asked my son not to call me mom after I gave him up for adoption. I might be the ale because he was hurt by the request.
    via u/Regular_Chocolate_46
  • 12
    AlarmedBechamel 1 day ago NAH - however reach out to your Son and ask if he is ok. Maybe clarify in writing that although your are his mother you don't feel that you deserve the title of Mother or Mom. That you value your relationship. OP, you are the older person here, step up and communicate.
    via u/Regular_Chocolate_46
  • 13
    PuzzleheadedChip6356. 1 day ago YTA. I feel you, I really do. but imagine hearing that from the same mom that put you up for adoption. adoptive kids already have to work thru the identity issues and wondering why you gave them up. but then to meet and think things are great but uhhh don't call me mom. ugh heartbreaking.
    via u/Regular_Chocolate_46
  • 14
    Snickerdoodle2021 1 day ago We talk about adoption a lot, but usually from the pov of the adoptee. The parents who give their children up for adoption also go through emotional trauma as well. It sounds like you are trying to develop a relationship with your son that is healthy. For you, this might mean he needs to find another way to refer to you. You are not in the wrong to want this. NAH
    via u/Regular_Chocolate_46
  • 15
    [deleted] 1 day ago As an adoptee, I can't see this situation objectively. I feel YTA because I feel for your son. It would be DEVASTATING to hear that from my bio mom. Also, my adopted parents allowed me almost unfettered access to my birth parents growing up, they were also incredibly neglectful and my dad especially, was abusive. I don't think it's your right to decide how your son should feel about you, his adopted family, or his upbringing.
    via u/Regular_Chocolate_46
  • 16
    You don't know. Even if he had a great upbringing, adoption is traumatic and for some people, they cope differently than you'd expect. Some adoptees aren't bothered by rheir adoption at all, but most struggle in one way or the other. If you're going to have your son back in your life, you need to be sensitive to his needs and put his feelings. first. He is the ONLY person who had no say in this, why are you more concerned with his adopted mom who literally signed and paid for this experience?
    via u/Regular_Chocolate_46
  • 17
    I'd apologize to him if I were you. You're allowed to feel how you feel, but don't put your hang ups on his shoulders. I'm sure he's been carrying a lot more burdens than you'll ever know
    via u/Regular_Chocolate_46
  • 18
    Global_Look2821 1 day ago • NAH. I'm feeling really sorry for the both of you. I think your son was feeling such a warm connection to you (after the sweet description you gave of your meetup and following connections) and "mom" came out of that: bc he felt so welcomed and close to all of you. I also can see how it made you uncomfortable in the moment and your fear it might hurt his adoptive mom.
    via u/Regular_Chocolate_46
  • 19
    Now that you've had time to sit w it a little do you feel any different? I ask bc I called my MIL mom (and that's what I call my own mom) and my husband calls my mom "mom". Neither mom felt slighted or less than bc we used the same names for them. So, I wonder whether if you just think of it as affection coming thru you'd be more comfortable w it? Also, have you shared this w your son's adoptive mom? I think you should and tell her about your fears.
    via u/Regular_Chocolate_46
  • 20
    You should also reach out to your son and ask if he's okay. He may be- but like you I think this latest silence comes so swiftly on the heels of the "mom" thing that it's very likely connected. You're obviously a very caring person- that comes thru clearly. It's probably quite usual for there to be this sort of awkwardness as you settle into a relationship w him/them. I do get the hesitancy you're feeling. I wonder if it'd be helpful to talk to a therapist who's familiar w inter family relations
    via u/Regular_Chocolate_46
  • 21
    Artistic_Tough5005 1 day ago NAH You're not his mom. You're the woman who gave birth to him and there is a difference
    via u/Regular_Chocolate_46
  • 22
    RightLocal1356 · 1 day ago NAH That is a big step you should both agree on. It's sweet that he feels that way but he should have thought to discuss it with you first. Are you working with a counsellor during your reconnection? My aunt did that when she reconnected with my cousin who she had given up for adoption and it really helped with these kinds of issues.
    via u/Regular_Chocolate_46

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